How to fart on an airplane
Yes, I’m going there.
We’ve all been on a plane when we get that whiff of air we wish we had never taken in. It’s not pretty. Quite frankly, I’ve smelt some beyond nasty smells on an airplane. Simply put, farts on an airplane are not fair to passengers who are confined in a cramped seat with nowhere to go. They’re stuck there, left to breathe in that awful smell with no air fresheners around.
I hope this little entry will educate other fliers on how to break wind without breaking other passenger’s nostrils.
So what do you do if you have to fart?
The most obvious answer would be to go to the lavatory and let one rip.
But what if you can’t?
There are circumstances in which passengers cannot get up to go to the restroom - seat belt sign on, turbulence, a snoring passenger blocking your way out, plane taking off, or preparing to land, etc. - but there are ways to let your stinker go without torturing everyone else around you. And you can do it without making it incredibly obvious. Sneaky stinkies!
It’s called the cabin air system and it’s right above your head. Yeah, that round nozzle thing that spews out air! What you may not know is this simple system can save you and your passengers a lot of trouble and embarrassment.
If you have to blow your backdoor trumpet, turn the air above you on full speed and aim it towards your crotch. This is generally the area where your gas is going to seep out from. You don’t have to keep the air on high for the entire flight, but a good minute before and after your release should do the trick. If you’re gassy the entire flight, for the sake of everyone around you, just keep it on.
Why does this work? It disperses the smell faster than it would if you didn’t turn the air on. So instead of getting a huge nose-full of heinous gas, the people around you will only get a tiny drift of it and probably won’t notice. Sure, they may get a slight hint of flatulence but it won’t linger because the air stream from above has dissipated it.
So there you go. There are no more excuses!
And remember, while you may enjoy the smell of your own fart, think about the other innocent people around you. You wouldn’t want someone next to you leaving a SBD (silent but deadly) one for you to inhale.
Fly safe and fart on.
